Standardized Testing. More stressful for teachers than it is for the crying children.

We took a standardized test today.

It did not go well.

I had about 4 students cry during the test. I had one student try to cheat and also just a million questions and runny noses.

I was already stressed over the fact that I had to make sure no students were going to talk during the test. My heart kept pounding "This is important... this is important... this is important..." Also it was hot in the room but the kids were complaining that it was cold. Well toooooo bad! "Go grab a random jacket that's been sitting over there for weeks" was my solution to that problem.

Anyway...

My students were freaking out because this test is a whole grade level higher than where they're at right now. Obviously they're nervous and feel worthless when they have absolutely have no idea how to solve these math problems but let me tell you how worthless I felt last night before going to bed!

My anxiety was bad. My heart was pounding, my chest felt tight and I kept doing this squirming movement in bed that looked like I was trying to fend off a bunch of roaches.

I had made the mistake of looking at the test yesterday after school. Why I continue to do these things I have no idea. I really should have learned by now to just pretend like nothing at school is actually happening only do exactly as I say... why try really? I only get anxious from it.

So there I was lying in bed thinking about all the different ways I had failed my students and how none of them were every going to have a productive life because of me and how the 2nd grade teacher next year was going to think I'm a dumb idiot for not being able to teach them and so on and so forth. Irrational I know but it's what happens at 11pm on a Monday before testing.

Do you want to know how I was able to eventually fall asleep? I looked up the Math standards online. "HAH! I'M DOING EVERYTHING THE STATE WANTS ME TO DO!" In conclusion I was answering to a higher power and really this was just a dumb old test that wanted me to have another panic attack* and go deep into depression. Not today dumb test! Not today!

*In February of this year I left school in a hurry to the E.R. after complaining of bad chest pain, dizziness and feeling like I was going to faint. After all the fancy tests were done the doctor said "I think it's just stress related. We know you suffer from depression so this makes sense..." Yep. Okay, so maybe it wasn't a full blown panic attack but I seriously thought I was going to drop cold in the middle of class. Dang kids making me go to the E.R.!

#testing #standards #anxiety